The Nature of Fear
by He will knock four times
Summary: One shot. Friendship, comadrie, and honesty. The nature of fear has nothing to do with logic, and can sometimes live in the core of yourself, organically, until it is embedded in your bones.


Things are getting crazy in my life and I was reminded of a once shot I had finished but never published, and that sometimes you get burned

xxxxxxx

It was in the late evening on patrol when everyone had been bedding down that the topic came into focus. Everyone had gathered around the fire having all done their assigned tasks. Merlin finished giving out bowls of stew while Gwaine had been needling Elyan and saying he was braver. Somehow their argument morphed from who was fearless into what each was afraid of individually.

At first the Knights had continued their boasting and heckling, claiming to have no fears. At least until, in a rare moment of seriousness and emotional sentiment, Elyan confessed a persistent fear for Gwen's safety. Everyone had fallen silent at that. There was to be no jokes made with that hanging in the air. Every single one of them knew the danger Gwen was in from Morgana.

Percival then decided to confess his, so as to show solidarity and not allow Elyan to be the only one to confess a fear. He confessed that he was afraid of the loss of his friends. Of outliving them. No one could argue or make fun of that. It was a valid fear. Each of Percival's friends were Knights, or a manservant that joined them on dangerous quests. Each of them could go out one day and never come back.

Gwaine being as loyal as he was, felt he could do the same for any of them. He confessed a fear of getting the plague. At first everyone had been confused but they understood once Gwaine explained. Monsters and bandits you could fight and defeat or retreat from. A plague was an infirmity of the flesh; it turned your own body into a prison. There was no fighting or running from it. Everyone laughed though when Gwaine claimed his second fear was a shortage of ale and dry taverns.

Leon admitted that he was afraid of the Doracha. No one laughed at him for that. They had been hellish and unnatural creatures. A single touch and they sucked all life and warmth from you. They all remembered the fear and the worry for Merlin when he had been touched by one. It also darkened the mood of those who remembered Lancelot.

Arthur, although feeling affectionate that his Knights were loyal to each other, didn't want to admit his fear that he was afraid of failing as a king. That he wouldn't measure up in comparison to his father. It didn't seem very kingly. He put on a haughty face and turned to Merlin expectantly.

At first Merlin didn't understand and then he realized.

"Me?!" He burst out unhappily. "You're the one who is the knight!"

"Don't be such a coward Mer-lin! I'm your king and you will do as I say!" Arthur told him. All the other Knights were watching on in amusement at the byplay as they usually did in these arguments.

"Arrogant prat."

"Simple idiot."

"King clot pole!"

"I'm a prince and not king yet Merlin. You should show me more respect."

"Ah so that would make you 'prince clotpole' right now? Besides, I don't need to show you more respect. Your head would never fit through the door!"

"Stables."

Merlins mouth snapped shut at that and Arthur looked rather smug to have gotten the last word. The other Knights looked slightly put out that the verbal sparring was over but got over it when Arthur gestured Merlin to get on with it and confess. Merlin flushed in embarrassment and arranged himself cross legged on the ground. As a warlock, there weren't many things he could say openly. There weren't many things he could tell people honestly. This was one thing he could say honestly. Should he be honest? He struggled for a moment before deciding. Quietly he said-

"I am afraid of fire."

Predictably Arthur and the others laughed. For the next two minutes they laughed at him and Merlin tried to take it in good nature. To them it sounded silly but to him it was the most frightening thing in the world. Gwaine seemed to take pity on his friend and decided to ask for the reason.

"I must hear this! Why are you afraid of fire?" He may have laughed but the look in his eyes said he was only having good fun. Laughter was hard these days with all the serious things happening. Merlin truly hated to ruin it.

"Because when I was seven I was almost burned to death for sorcery." He said quietly.

His voice had been somewhat quiet and the other Knights laughed for a half second more before registering what he had said and the campsite went quiet and still in surprise. Their looks went from surprise to horror to anger. For a moment Merlin was worried they were angry at him and then he realized they were angry for him. He felt better for that.

Arthur demanded his attention next however.

"What happened?" He looked like he was ready to go to battle and defend a young Merlin. Merlin picked at his shoe. He shouldn't have said anything. Arthur narrowed his eyes warningly. "Don't your dare say 'it's nothing' Merlin."

Merlin looked at each of the Knights and could tell that his friends all wanted to know.

"You all know that my mother was never married and that I never knew my father?" A few heads nodded but no one looked surprised. "You've never thought less of me for that and I am very grateful. But people in Ealdor weren't nearly so forgiving. It was a scandal to them that my mother was expecting me and hardly anyone had seen my father let alone met him. Everyone knew there had been no ceremony of any kind but she was expecting anyways. Most people got over it in time but there were still those who didn't like me for it. Most were the adults of the village."

A few eyes darkened realizing where this could be going.

"I didn't have many friends growing up. In fact if it weren't for Will I wouldn't have any. The other parents told their children to avoid me but they instead picked on me. Beat me up and called me bastard. I always ran away fast enough but it wasn't fun. Then one day, one of the other kids had an idea. We all knew, living on the border of Camelot, what happened to sorcerers. Every now and then magic hunters would come through and line up all the women, children, and men of my village looking for someone with magic.

One kid called me a freak and claimed I had done 'magic' to him. He'd trip or break things, claiming I had done it somehow. The other kids picked it up started calling me a sorcerer, claiming I had done something to them. The other adults knew it was just childish bullying. They knew I hadn't displayed any signs of magic. They were still scared. They didn't want to be seen consorting with the 'sorcerer'."

Arthur and a few others looked extremely angry in that moment and the insecure parts of him insisted it was directed at him. He pushed that thought away and continued talking.

"Everyone... pulled away from my mother and I after that. That was the harshest winter we had ever had. No one would help us when we were hungry and cold like in the past. They refused to speak or look at us. They wouldn't even open their doors or shutters to us, not even when we begged. We made do with burning what we could get our hands on and I'd dig in the bitter cold looking for any mushrooms and tree roots I could get my hands on. I nearly lost a few fingers to frostbite."

He fell silent and squeezed his feet. It was awkward and he was afraid to tell this story. The Knights were hushed and staring, waiting for the rest of it. Several looked tense and angry. He swallowed and kept talking.

"Eventually we made it to spring and started preparing for the harvest, but the rumors had spread that there was a sorcerer in our village. The magic hunters came and gathered us all up. The other adults didn't say much."

Arthur looked appalled. Grim but genuinely offended. "They didn't..."

Merlin shook his head. "They did. They wanted the source of the trouble out and if I happened to be a bastard and causing all these problems then all the better. Even better if my death got rid of the magic hunters."

There were varying reactions from the Knights but they all seemed to be a mixture of disgust, anger and indignation.

"They shouldn't have done that Merlin!" Arthur said and cursed. "They didn't have the right to treat you that way!"

Merlin gave him a long look.

"Arthur, when you helped us with Kanen, didn't you ever wonder why none of the people from my village ever talked to me? They talked to people near me, or my mother, but never to me."

Arthur looked surprised and the other Knights who hadn't been around for that story looked thoughtful. Merlin had to make Arthur understand.

"I was born there, lived there for most of my life, attended the celebrations and helped with the harvests when I was old enough. I knew all of them by name and even the names they gave their animals. I knew who had a feud with who and who was friends with who. I was one of them but, to them, I was an outsider. All because my mother was not married. They never did anything about it though, because they only needed to bother with the harvest and making sure the chores got done. They love my mother, but me? I was an aberration. When the magic hunters came for me though, they saw an opportunity happening to get rid of me."

Merlin breathed out and tried to keep talking. He didn't want to know if there was any pity and he didn't want to keep talking about the village elders views of him.

"I remember my mother screaming when they pulled me out of the line. They'd already brought the firewood and pitch with them. I was terrified but nothing stopped them. My mother was begging and I remember looking over my shoulder at the other adults. They looked uncomfortable but they still didn't say anything. Even when I was tied to the pole to be-" Here Merlin did stutter. He still remembered the flames and the smoke choking him. The heat around his ankles. "to be burned-" he managed to get this out after closing his eyes. "No one said anything. They just held my mother back as she yelled that I was innocent. That I hadn't done anything wrong."

Arthur looked almost mesmerized in his horror. For a long moment, no one wanted to break the silence as they took in knowledge on the terrible thing that had been nearly done to their friend. "What happened then, Merlin?" Gwaine whispered.

Merlin continued quietly. "What do you think happened Gwaine? They tied me to the pole, and then lit it."

This caused something of a stir with the Knights. Percival and Elyan looked sickened and disturbed. Gawaine and Arthur angry. Leon looked to have a mix of anger and blanched white face that turned him an interesting shade of pink. Merlin bent his knee, and propped his left leg up to show them. He rolled up his pants to his knee and, in the light of the fire, traced a faint discoloration to midway up his calf. It wasn't a disfiguration of raised flesh or anything overt like that. It was just a different shade of white than the rest of the leg and you would barely notice it unless it was pointed out to you. Arthur swore and threw his empty bowl at the tree when he took in the sight of slight burn marks. Merlin rolled down his pant leg and returned to his previous resting position.

"How are you alive?" Leon asked, looking like he needed to know. "What happened next?"

Merlin paused a moment, breathed in slightly, and spoke.

"One of the adults had an attack of conscious. Decided he wasn't able to look away while I screamed and burned, and my mother cried. He pulled me off the pile and admitted to the hunters that it was just a rumor."

Will's father had saved his life. Merlin had been close to passing out, choking from the fumes and smoke and the painful flames licking his legs. The man had run forward, thrown his cloak on the fire. Quickly hacking at the ropes with a hunting knife before dragging him from the blistering pile that then took the cloak for its offering instead. Bret had gotten burned as well for his troubles. Merlin scarcely remembered anything except the sounds of his mothers sobs as she broke free of restraining hands and ran forward to cradle him in her arms. Bret had rapidly explained to the angry witch hunters that it was the work of a spiteful rumor spread by children and that the other adults had done nothing to dispute it. The witch hunters had looked skeptical but saw the way the villagers wouldn't look them in the eye and left soon after.

"I was on bed rest, had to stay off my feet for a month. My legs were burned but not too badly, but it still hurt to move them. My mother was constantly applying poultices to my legs and the others helped, gathering whatever we needed to make up for them not speaking. I had nightmares filled with smoke and charred flesh for months."

The Knights looked grim, angry and ashamed that they had laughed at Merlin for his fear. They all met Arthur's eyes and they nodded, knowing exactly what the others where thinking. We will keep him safe and no one will ever do this to Merlin for as long as they lived.

They swore it.


End file.
